You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
