just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
