I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
