I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
This house was built for laser tag.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Randomize
