I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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