I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
