I can tuck mytits in my pants
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
