just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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