I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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