After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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