btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
