UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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