They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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