I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Randomize
