his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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