aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
