I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
