I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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