Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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