dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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