saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
