i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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