Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
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