Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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