Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
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