i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
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