when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
