Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
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