Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Randomize
