does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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