I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
