its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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