My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Randomize
