I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
It was a blind-side dick pic.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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