i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize