After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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