It was confusing and full of hummus
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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