I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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