I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize
