no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Randomize
