so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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