woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
