Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
