Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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