so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
