Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
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