I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
