if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
