She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
that is very illegal...i love you.
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