my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
