drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
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