he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Even the bartender felt bad for me
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
