I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Randomize
