I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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