I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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