Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Randomize