I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
