I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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