I heard we made out
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Randomize
