my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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