Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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